Embrace the Journey

Have you ever complained?

About a misbehaving child?  An uncooperative spouse?   The crazy of the last three-ish years?  A deployment or a PCS? A journey?

I think of myself as a positive person, not a complainer. My husband says he hates complaining. To him it would be like the quarrelsome wife in Proverbs 27:15 of the Bible. The writer says that kind of wife is “as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.” (NLT)

But I have caught myself recently. I have taken some account of my PCS adventures where I have NOT embraced the journey. Instead, I grumbled. Here are some complaints that might sound familiar:

1.     The packers didn’t arrive! What are we supposed to do now?

2.     Housing overcharged us for cleaning!

3.     Maintenance didn’t finish the job.

4.     Our car is too small for our family.

5.     It’s too hot in this car.

6.     The dog (or child) has to stop too often.  This trip will take forever!

7.     There isn’t enough coffee.

8.     The traffic is horrible.

9.     The weather is awful.

10.  These quarters are too small for our family.

11.  I can’t fit all my stuff in this house.

12.  The movers are late!

13.  The movers broke my stuff.

14.  I’m hungry.

15.  I’m tired.

16.  My house won’t be ready for at least a month.

17.  And of course: When will we be there?

The list goes on. It’s endless!

Of course, some of these things are just a matter of fact. Sometimes all our worldly possessions just cannot fit in our new house and sometimes the next meal cannot come soon enough. However, I know when I say the things on this list, I am not celebrating the positives like a smaller house allows for more togetherness. This list that I thought would only be a few complaints quickly grew. Given time, maybe not that much time, it would be closer to 71 complaints than 17. But, that’s how it is with complaining – it grows.

Complaining, grumbling in our hearts, prevents us from Embracing in the Journey.

I am reading and studying Exodus and Numbers in the Bible this spring. This is the story of how God led the Israelites’ out of Egypt and eventually into their own land.

There was A LOT of grumbling on the Israelites’ PCS journey. First of all, this was the world’s longest PCS. They took 40 years to move. Granted they were walking and using livestock to help with carrying their HHGs, but can you imagine taking 40 years to PCS?! I would grumble too!!

-        They complained when Moses came to “save” them from Pharaoh because their work got harder.

-        They complained when they were stuck between the Egyptian chariots and the Red Sea.

-        They complained that they didn’t have meat, even though they had the bread from heaven called manna that God supplied every morning.

-        They complained that the people in the Promised Land were too big for them to fight.

Time and time again they complained.

In fact, Numbers 20 tells the story of the waters of Meribah when the Israelites complained about a lack of water.

They said, “It would have been better to perish with our brothers before the LORD!”

They would have preferred to die in an earlier judgement, when the earth opened and swallowed hundreds for rebellion, than be thirsty!

So, why are the Israelites complaining when God proved faithful to every need they had up until that time?   Why do I still complain about the house being too small when it is available immediately, doesn’t have mold and the kids love their rooms?

I don’t know about you, but I know I have seen God’s faithfulness over and over in hard times. And yet, I grumble.

It might be a natural human response to complain when things go wrong or things aren’t “perfect.”  There seems to be two answers we can give as to why this is: one is spiritual; the other is cultural. We fall short of believing God will continue to be faithful as he has always been, thus we whine.

Our world also tells us that we should have the perfect life and that we are entitled to having just what we want when we want it. This expectation results in complaining because things always come up short of what we think they should be. Even if we get the house with mold or never get to PCS to Italy, we should understand that complaining won’t change our circumstances.

More than just being futile, complaining is also contagious. Others start to imitate our poor behavior. Ever wonder why your children complain when they don’t get their way? Perhaps they are seeing it modeled on the shows they are watching, at a friend’s house, or (gasp) maybe they heard you venting on the phone. Complaining doesn’t just bring out the worst in those who complain, but also in those who catch the complaining bug.

Earlier this year I was really grumbly. We said goodbye to Dad for a nine- month “rotation” (which is really a deployment).  We each took a turn being sick three different times over the course of six weeks (including going on antibiotics the day before we got on an airplane for Christmas).  Then I had the drama of boy teens/tweens trying to get into a routine post-Christmas vacation.

I was missing my partner with whom I adventure in this journey called life. It was hard for me to be without Tim. I then had to help my boys while they missed their Dad. Boys need dads. I am not a dad. I just wanted their Dad to come take over and do his job. But, as you know, sometimes Dad isn’t there.

I cried. I complained to God and literally said, “What am I supposed to do with these boys? We need their Dad!”

The Lord graciously changed my heart. He showed me Philippians 4:8 and reminded me to think on the following things: things that are true, things that are honorable, things that are just, things that are pure, things that are lovely, things that are commendable, things that are excellent, and anything worthy of praise. It is much harder to grumble when you think of these good things. I turned my focus and tried to catch myself when I went into self-pity mode. I started to feel much more positive.

Another reason to choose a more joyful, positive attitude is that you can encourage others going through this military life too. The Apostle Paul tells the ancient Philippians to “do all things without complaining so that you may be blameless and innocent children of God, without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.” (Philippians 2:14-16)

Paul is speaking of being a good example to encourage other Christians. This premise is transferable to other parts of life too. How can we encourage the brand new milspouse? Grumbling is contagious, but so is hope and joy. If her soldier hopes to be in the military for 20 years, giving her a glimpse of the joy that happens in this life could be one of the greatest gifts she can receive.

I have not been quite as grumbly the last few months. While I credit God with my attitude change, I think those who do not ascribe to religion or a belief in God can find some of my experience helpful.

I try to use different words: focusing on what I have rather than what I don’t have.

I reframed what I think about my days: I have started to say “good days and better days” rather than “bad days and good days.” After all, while I don’t like that my husband is away for nine-ish months, he is safe. My children are healthy. We have a roof over our heads. I lack for nothing. And I live in the era of indoor plumbing!

We started a “thankful” habit at dinner: The boys and I started telling each other three things we are thankful for about the day. This is good for connecting and for changing their hearts too. When I have a hard time finding things to be thankful for, I start with thank you for indoor plumbing!

I also keep a journal where I see it next to my bed. I can only write one or two sentences every night about the day.  It has to be a positive memory.

Do you have a grumbly heart? Here are some practical thankfulness starters for giving yourself an attitude adjustment.

How can you change your thoughts? Find things in your PCS (or other life event) that are beneficial. Are you moving to a state that is warmer? Is the cost of living less than the place you are leaving? Are there new places there you have never seen? Are you returning to a duty station that has a few favorite places? How can this be a good place for your children or your husband’s career?

Start a thankfulness journal, writing 10 or more (new) things you’re grateful for every day.

How can you change the way you talk? Is the bad really so very bad? Sometimes it is, but often it is not. Think about the complaint realistically before saying it out loud. 

Once you come to terms with the fact that the situation won’t improve by complaining, it’s time to take some action. Could you start the thankful habit at dinner speaking aloud about the good things?

These are all small things to change in your daily habits to affect your attitude.  They can make a difference, at least they did for me. Our attitudes affect our relationships and impact how much joy we feel. If we Embrace the Journey, determined to have a positive attitude, we will more likely have joy in this journey also.